


I was Sinking (Somehow I Forgot)

by InsaneJuliann



Series: The Evolution of Buddie [3]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Pre-Relationship, an oc almost says a homophobic slur before another character interrupts him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-07
Updated: 2020-05-07
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:55:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24059329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InsaneJuliann/pseuds/InsaneJuliann
Summary: Eddie tries to figure out just what he may or may not be feeling for Buck. Really, it only leaves him with more questions than any actual answers. His mind keeps twisting around, unable to let him settle with any certainty.It's exhausting.Buck's got his back though. He always does.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Series: The Evolution of Buddie [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1730287
Comments: 91
Kudos: 648





	I was Sinking (Somehow I Forgot)

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this yesterday during my lunch break and after my work day, and I edited it this morning after like five hours of restless sleep and fighting my brain gremlin. [tarialdarion](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tarialdarion) is a fantastic cheerleader and sounding board. 
> 
> My word doc title was basically "Eddie has no answers only more questions". I nearly used that for the fic because I'm very tired today. Instead I took a some pieces of some lyrics from Swimming by Florence + the Machine. 
> 
> Enjoy.

Eddie tried to figure out everything on his own, first.

Clearly, what he felt for Buck was different than any of his other friends. He couldn’t deny that their friendship was different than others he had had before – deeper, in some ways, stronger he supposed. Sure he trusted his friends, but would he trust them with Chris the way he trusted Buck?

Hell, there was family he trusted with Chris less than he trusted his son with Buck.

So. Was it just the best friendship of his life or something? Or was there the potential for more there, like everyone seemed to think there was?

He had no idea how he was supposed to know, though. Thinking about it too hard or for too long made his heart start going just noticeably faster. It made him feel uncomfortable, like he was trying to force himself into a place he didn’t belong and someone was going to catch him. (It felt a lot like the first few times he’d snuck out at night and met up with some buddies at one of the backroads outside of town a short ways, drinking alcohol they weren’t supposed to have and feeling daring and afraid of someone catching them. He’d known then if he got caught doing this thing he wasn’t supposed to, he’d be in a world of trouble. His parents would be pissed, he’d be grounded until hell froze over, they’d probably take his drivers license away until after he graduated.

Thinking about if maybe he liked Buck as more than a friend, and what that meant, felt weirdly like sneaking out to drink. He wasn’t sure what that meant.)

How did he know that it wasn’t just that everyone had put the idea in his head, anyway, and he was trying to push himself into it just to…? Just to what? He didn’t know. But the idea wouldn’t leave, that he was only acting and thinking about this all because everyone else was talking about it.

Wouldn’t he have known this about himself anyway before? He hadn’t liked any guys before Buck, and it wasn’t like he hadn’t been friends with some good looking guys over the years.

Course, that made him remember seventh grade science class. There’d been a quarter that he’d been seated at a table with this kid, covered in freckles all over and with glasses always just a little crooked on his nose. Eddie could remember what he looked like, but not his name. They’d tended to talk a lot when they were doing labs. They’d passed notes during lecture, and Eddie honestly didn’t know how they didn’t get caught.

Then of course the next quarter, seating changed, and Eddie didn’t really talk to him anymore.

That – that hadn’t been a _crush_ though. Because Eddie remembered the first big crush he had had, in sixth grade, on the girl who always sang in the talent shows the school put on. She had hair down most of her back, very straight and very dark. Whenever they’d talked – because they had mutual friends, and so sometimes hung out in the same circles – Eddie’s heart had raced and he’d kept thinking about how to keep her attention, and wondering if she was paying attention to him because maybe she liked him too. That was nothing like the guy from middle school. Not really. So it couldn’t be the same thing, right?

Eddie realized he was just going in circles, stressing himself out when he was supposed to be sleeping, or relaxing on the couch watching some animated movie with his son (Finding Nemo for the hundredth time usually, though Buck had gotten Chris to watch Treasure Planet last time he’d been over for a movie night, and now Chris sometimes broke pattern to ask for that instead. At least it was different.)

Eddie couldn’t figure it out on his own. So. He needed more information. Help.

Eddie needed an actual plan.

He considered going to the library. But he threw that idea out quickly – he hadn’t been to one for himself since he was a just starting high school, until recently and then it was for Chris to go to programs or get new books. He wouldn’t know where to start looking among the shelves. There was no _way_ he was going to approach some librarian sitting in a desk, in the middle of that public space, to ask about books on figuring out if you maybe liked guys.

Yeah. Fuck no. Just the thought was enough to make him feel like running, to make his chest clench unpleasantly.

Besides. The internet was right there, right? It would have any information books at the library had, probably.

So step one was to research on the internet.

Eddie waited for a day he knew he didn’t have a shift the next morning, though he would have to get up to take Chris to school in the morning. Once he put Chris to bed, he got ready himself. It was stupid how – nervous he felt, sitting on his bed with his laptop. He wanted to lock his door, like he was doing something illicit. It was _stupid_. (He did it anyway.)

He was well aware that the reliability and credibility of information was never guaranteed on the internet. He figured he would be able to wade through to find something, though.

Of course, he had no idea how to even verify anything he read. Still. He had to try.

He slammed his laptop shut a few hours later, with no answers to his stupid questions. All he had was a headache, frustration, and _more_ questions. Like – there was so much debate about labels and which were the “right” ones and which were bad and no one seemed to agree, so how was Eddie – who knew nothing much about all of it – supposed to know what to do with that. How was he supposed to use any of that to even figure out if any applied to him?

He yanked the covers over his head, muffled a loud groan in his pillow, and tried to sleep.

The next day he tried not to think about any of it. Every time his thoughts wandered that way he just felt even more frustrated.

He leapt at the chance of a distraction when he got a text from Buck. Sure, this whole fucking mess in his head was kind of centered _around_ Buck, but Buck wasn’t the one bringing it up, and Eddie always had a good time with him.

They went out for lunch, picked Chris up from school, and took him to use his skateboard in the park. Buck dropped them off at home, saying he couldn’t stay for dinner because he had plans with Maddie for the night, but promising Chris he’d come by soon for a movie night.

(Eddie didn’t kiss Buck on the cheek goodbye. It seemed like maybe, at the moment, it would just invite more turmoil for himself. Buck didn’t seem to pick up on anything being off, anyway.)

The next few days were busy with work, planning for Tia Pepa’s birthday party with Abuela and some of his cousins behind her back, and helping Chris study for a math test on multiplying fractions.

So. Doing research on his own hadn’t worked. Trying to figure it out on his own hadn’t worked.

He needed to talk to someone who actually knew this shit.

No way in fucking hell was Eddie going to ask Hen. She wouldn’t ever stop teasing him about it – though Eddie was sure it’d be gentle enough, and not when anyone could overhear. Besides, she already believed that there was something romantic between Eddie and Buck, so she was biased. Eddie needed objective opinions.

It wasn’t like he knew a lot of people though.

So, Eddie waited until the next time the that Karen was around, thankfully not more than a couple weeks later. He was lucky to catch her away from most everyone else, so no one would think to ask what they’d been talking about.

Eddie stumbled through asking like a damned idiot, like some preteen asking out a crush. Karen first looked confused, then understanding.

“When’s your next day off?” she asked. “We can go have a coffee and talk.”

“Don’t tell Hen,” he said immediately.

Karen smiled a bit, soft. Obviously amused, if the raised brow was any indication. “I figured that was why you were asking me, and not her. She tells Chim everything, I know.” She rolled her eyes, grinning.

Eddie huffed. “She already –“ He paused, trying to word it right. “I know she’s already got her own ideas about what… what’s going on. I just – I need someone to talk to that’s not got expectations. I need to be sure it’s not just what someone wants to see.”

Karen nodded, a little furrow between her brow. “I mean, I can probably guess what you’re talking about,” she warned. “But I’m not going to care whatever way that goes.” She set a hand on his arm, reassuring. “Let’s just take it one step at a time, yeah?”

Eddie gave her a smile, relieved. “Yeah. Thanks Karen.”

“Eh, no problem. I remember what it was like, trying to figure myself out. It can be… hard.”

Eddie nodded, but thankfully she didn’t say anything more, just gave him another smile and promise to text him so they could figure out a time to meet, and headed over to where Hen was standing with Nia on her hip and Denny hovering nearby, entertaining her.

His next day off was the following Thursday. After dropping Chris off at school, Eddie headed to the address of a coffee shop Karen had sent him. He found her waiting inside, chatting with a barista. Once they had ordered and got their drinks, they sat at a small outside seating area. Eddie tried to stop his knee from bouncing, but realized he was also tearing at the edges of the sleeve of his coffee cup. He forced his hands still instead of worrying about his knee, hidden under the table.

Karen gave him a wry kind of smile.

“Okay. What do you want to ask first?”

Eddie barked a breathless laugh, hand rising to rub over his hair. He couldn’t quite look at her. “I don’t know. I – how do I even fucking know if – if I….”

“Alright,” she said after a moment. “You do know there’s not just straight and gay, right?”

He shrugged. “Yeah? But – not really much specifically. And I tried researching but there seemed a lot of, uh… debate about if some of them were even real, or okay to use anymore, or –“

“It can be hard to wade through.” Karen gave an almost grim smile. “And just because people aren’t straight, doesn’t mean some of them aren’t also still assholes with their own prejudices.”

Eddie finally looked at her, though it was more out of the corner of his eye, like a coward. This shouldn’t be so fucking hard, or scary, he thought.

“For some people, labels are more important than to other people. Some people can just go with a general concept of being queer or LGBT, or whatever term they feel most comfortable with. Others want and need that specific term, to know that there’s others out there that get their specific feelings and issues.” Karen sipped her coffee. “And sometimes there’s no clean or clear-cut label for people, even if they want one.” She leaned forward, setting her hand over his wrist. “It’s okay to not know. To be confused. It’s pretty normal, even,” she said, laughing a bit.

Eddie smiled, a bit tentative. “Well. I’m pretty fucking confused alright.”

Karen grinned before leaning back, hand going back to her side of the table. Eddie’s knee had thankfully stopped bouncing, though he kept tugging and picking at the coffee sleeve.

“I know you said you didn’t want to talk to Hen because you felt she already had her own ideas of what things were. And if there’s anything specific you want to ask, we can start there. But if you want to tell me what brought this on, I promise to not judge you or try to decide what it means for you.”

Eddie swallowed. “A – a lot of people lately have told me that Buck and I aren’t just good friends. That there’s – more there. And I never saw it like that, but now I can’t stop thinking about it. Wondering. And I just – how would I know that’s how I feel, and not how I think things are just because so many people have said it?”

“Okay. Well. It’s different for everyone,” Karen said slowly. “For me, growing up I knew like, peripherally that there were people who liked the same gender. I didn’t ever really think about it until I was in high school. I kind of just thought I really wanted to be best friends with this girl in drama class, and I was jealous because we weren’t super close.” She laughed a bit, smiling fondly. “I was talking about it with another friend, and he said, ‘Aw, your first les crush, how cute.’ – or something like that.” She waved a hand dismissively. “Point was, even knowing that it was a thing, I hadn’t ever thought of it in the context of myself. It took a while for me to wrap my head around it. It’s a mind flip, or it was for me. Changed how I had always thought of myself, but maybe explained why I hadn’t ever gone as boy crazy as all my friends seemed to.”

“Okay, but I do like women,” Eddie pointed out.

Karen snorted. “So maybe you’re some flavor of bi or pan, or maybe you are only romantically attracted to dudes, or maybe it’s just Buck that does it enough for you.”

Eddie must have been making some kind of baffled or overwhelmed face.

“For some people,” she said, “sexual and romantic attraction are basically hand-in-hand. For others, maybe they have to have a close emotional connection to feel sexual attraction, or they need it to feel romantic attraction. Like I said – for some people, there’s not always as clean and clear-cut a label as others. You can be sexually attracted to women, and be romantically attracted to them, but in some circumstances be both or one of those to men, too. Or maybe you just are attracted to people and gender in any form doesn’t matter. Maybe you like different genders in different ways.”

“This… kind of makes me more confused.” Eddie shook his head. “And it doesn’t tell me – how do I even know in the first place if what I’m feeling is real or not?”

Karen paused, rolling her lips and looking weirdly pained and sad. Looking at Eddie with a sympathy that made him feel like running away.

“That’s not really that abnormal a feeling, either. A lot of people have internalized certain stigmas and phobic beliefs.” Eddie opened his mouth because he wasn’t – but Karen continued, talking over him. “Even when they don’t it apply to others, they still apply it to themselves, consciously or not.”

Eddie realized he couldn’t meet her eyes.

He felt – overwhelmed, and he breathed carefully to bring himself back together. He was fine.

“It’s not always an easy path, not just to figure out who we are, but to allow ourselves to be.”

They were quiet, Karen seeming content to sip her coffee and people watch (Eddie was so grateful she wasn’t watching him, was giving him some guise of privacy.)

“So, what?” he asked quietly, drawing her attention again. “I just – I just have to drive myself crazy trying to figure it out? All to maybe find out that I am straight and just was overthinking everything for nothing?”

Karen watched him. He could tell she was thinking, so he didn’t press her to answer even as he wanted to. He wanted to demand answers, and he knew that that wasn’t going to be how it worked. He knew Karen couldn’t actually tell him how he felt. But god, he wished it were that easy. He wished _someone_ could just – tell him, for sure, so he could know.

It was so exhausting to be second guessing so much about himself, wondering if he’d been lying to himself and for how long and _why_.

(But… he knew why, didn’t he? If he weren’t as straight as he had thought…. He knew why maybe he’d told himself he was.)

(Eddie had always been afraid, even when people thought he was brave. Eddie had always been afraid inside of himself, that he wouldn’t be enough for people, couldn’t keep them unless he was exactly what they wanted him to be.)

(He was still afraid.)

“It’s probably not going to be something you figure out overnight. You have to reflect, a lot. Ask yourself why you think something. Ask yourself if you’d think that way if it were someone else. Ask yourself how you would feel if you did date Buck. Or if you didn’t date him. You’ve got to be honest with yourself, Eddie.”

He closed his eyes. He wanted to drop his head on the table. He wanted to groan loudly.

He kind of, ridiculously, wanted to cry.

This was all just… so much. So _hard_.

So terrifying.

He wondered if all of that was its own kind of answer. Or if he was just trying to jump ahead of himself, make it something that it wasn’t.

“Eddie?”

“Yeah,” he said, voice coming out hoarse. He cleared his throat. “Thanks, Karen.”

She gave him a look that said she knew he wasn’t feeling particularly thankful, or that their conversation had made him feel any better. “If you ever need to talk, or just vent, or a sounding board – hell, if you do more researching online and read something that you want to ask someone else about. I’m more than willing to talk, or text, or get more coffee.”

He nodded, taking a breath and having it out. His smile was a bit more genuine, as was his, “Thanks,” that time.

“No problem.” She stretched a bit, and changing the subject, said, “So, how’s Chris doing?”

“He has this fucking math test and I don’t know why they had to change how kids do math, Karen, seriously.”

She laughed, leaning forward. “Tell me about it. I swear I wasn’t learning half the stuff Denny is at his age.”

They spent the next hour talking about their kids, about their friends, about their bets on if Bobby was going to get protective over May regarding her prom date or play the cool stepdad card. It was relaxing, and it let Eddie push aside everything else for a while and just relax. Enjoy himself.

After they went their separate ways, Eddie did some grocery shopping, picking up some things for the surprise party for Pepa, and dropped those things off as his cousin Marisol’s house. He stopped at home to drop off his own groceries and do some laundry and tidying up, before he went to pick Chris up from school.

He didn’t make himself think about anything he’d talked about with Karen. He had it all percolating in the back of his mind; he let himself think in an absent way about all she had said, and let it just sink in gradually.

They had dinner, and Eddie read two chapters to Chris that night since the book left the first chapter on something of a suspenseful moment.

Eddie went to bed and fell asleep within moments, more exhausted than his day would seemingly account for.

He knew it had to do with all that was going on in his head, and how emotionally exhausting the conversation in the morning had been.

He didn’t let himself fret about it.

There were times that Eddie’s schedule was rough no matter what he did or happened. But when it had been a rough shift that went over on a bad call, meaning he didn’t get home until the early hours of the morning, knowing he would probably be woken up early no matter the fact it was a Saturday by Chris….

Being a single parent was fucking hard, and times like that Eddie felt most weighed down. He loved Chris and he wouldn’t change anything about being a dad (except having been there more, having failed Chris less, being able to be there for him more even now when he was trying harder than ever…) but he was exhausted, hurting physically and emotionally from that last call, and he felt so fucking alone.

He knew Abuela wouldn’t mind letting him sleep in in the morning, taking care of Chris herself. She’d offered to keep him at her house, but Eddie had been so sure he’d be home in time and it had already been after Chris’ bedtime when he’d realized it wasn’t going to happen….

So Eddie wasn’t entirely unsurprised when he woke up gradually in the morning, and not because of his son crawling into bed with him. A glance at the time showed it was less morning and a lot closer to afternoon, actually. He winced, feeling guilty, even if it hadn’t been his choice to not wake up. He could have sworn he’d set his alarm, but he must not have.

He dragged himself out of bed, wincing as his shoulder twinged painfully. He didn’t bother dressing beyond a pair of old, comfortable sweats and one of his old army shirts. Walking to the bathroom, he could hear Chris’ laughter and the sound of the TV playing something that sounded cartoon-y.

Abuela really should have woken him up. He hated the idea of leaving Chris to just sit on the couch by himself, even if Chris was cool with just watching cartoons alone.

Eddie brushed his teeth, debated shaving and deciding he could go another day or so, and went to go scold his own abuela for not waking him up.

He stalled out when he realized it wasn’t abuela with Chris in the living room.

Buck was on the couch. His arm stretched along the back and Chris was nestled against his side, laughing at whatever was happening on the TV – some cartoon girl insisting a group of kids were busted.

He didn’t _quite_ startle when Abuela patted him on the arm and held out a cup of coffee for him. Eddie took it, realized he was almost staring open mouthed at the scene in front of him, and took a quick sip that burned his tongue.

She rolled her eyes at him, scolding him softly.

“When did Buck get here?” he asked.

She smiled, looking painfully fond, and tilted her head towards the kitchen. Eddie followed her, leaving both Buck and Chris howling with laughter, and sat at the table. She pulled a plate from the oven, putting it in the microwave for a short time before putting it in front of him.

“Eat,” she ordered.

Eddie took a bite, before giving her a pointed look.

“He showed up a little before seven,” she mused, her words hushed quiet. “I had only been up for a little myself, just started trying to get that coffee machine of yours to work.”

Eddie hid a smile in another bit of food, looking down so he’d be less likely to be caught out. Abuela hated his coffee machine, thought it was too fancy and unnecessary.

“He got it going for me, then went to turn off your alarm.” She gave him a stern look. “He said you had a very rough night, needed sleep. Edmundo, you know I would watch Chris this morning while you rested.”

“Abuela, it’s not your job to-“

“No, maybe not, but it _is_ my job to take care of you. You may be grown, but that does not you are alone, Edmundo.”

He looked down, unable to say anything to that. He’d hinted around how things had gone down in El Paso. He didn’t want to straight up tell her he’d been such a shitty father his parents had wanted to take Chris away from him. Didn’t want to tell her how much he’d been relying on his family in El Paso to watch Chris while he worked and slept and worked all the time, leaving little time that could be spent with just Chris.

Couldn’t make himself repeat the words ‘drag Chris down with you’ that echoed in his head in his lower moments.

She made a short noise, displeased.

“Buck made sure you would sleep, and then came help me start breakfast. As soon as he heard Chris moving, he went to get him.” When Eddie glanced up, she was looking fond again, glancing towards the living room. “Christopher was very excited to be surprised by his Buck.”

“He’s always excited to see him.”

She looked at him, humming, that knowing kind of smile on her face.

Eddie looked back at his plate.

“They have been watching that show together since we finished eating. He tried to do the dishes, but I told him he was to entertain Chris.”

She reached out, squeezing his wrist, and got to her feet. Eddie stilled as she pressed a kiss to the side of his head.

“I love you, Edmundo,” she reminded him. “No matter what, I will love you.”

Eddie swallowed and nodded, staring at his plate for a bit.

“I’m going to Marisol’s to help prepare for the party. Maybe you should invite your Buck to come along.”

Eddie glanced at her sideways, but she was already walking away to the living room. He listened as she said her goodbyes, probably giving both Chris and Buck a hug and kiss before she left. Eddie finished eating and lingered for a moment at the table after he finished, letting his mind settle. Finally, he stood up, taking his plate to the sink to wash.

Buck was sprawled out over more of the couch, Chris stretched out practically on top of him, asking, “What makes Perry different from other platypuses then?”

“I don’t know,” Buck said, sounding just as thoughtful as Chris. “Maybe he fell into some kind of toxic waste – you know, the same way some superheroes get their powers?”

Chris giggled. “Maybe it was an evil scientist.”

Buck laughed too, head tilting back with it, eyes squinting. He spotted Eddie hovering in the doorway and his grin widened.

“There you are.” He moved a bit, one steadying arm around Chris, to make more room on the couch for Eddie. “C’mon, we’re watching Phineas and Ferb.”

“What now?” Eddie asked, coming to sit down. Chris wiggled so he could stretch over and grab Eddie in a hug. Eddie held him back, helping him settle more comfortably as Buck shifted more upright again.

“Phineas and Ferb are brothers,” Chris explained. “They make really cool stuff all summer, like rollercoasters and tree house robots.”

Eddie raised a brow, glancing at the cartoon and back to Chris. “And they’re kids?”

“Yes, yes they are,” said Chris and Buck at the same time, before cackling.

Eddie assumed it had something to do with the show.

Settling back more against the couch, Eddie almost startled when Buck’s fingers brushed his shoulder. He hadn’t realized Buck had shifted so his arm was on the back of the couch again; he was sprawled out lazily, comfortably, on his end of the couch. Eddie pulled his eyes away.

Buck leaned back more, so his head was resting on the back and he was watching Eddie. When Eddie looked at him, Buck raised a brow, mouthed ‘you good?’

Eddie nodded subtly. Buck smiled, nodded back, and focused on the show.

After another hour of episodes, Eddie said, “Tia Pepa’s party is going to be in a couple hours. We should get ready.”

Chris cheered, already excited. It made Eddie grin and ruffle his hair. He glanced at Buck, who was stretching for the tv remote to turn it off.

“You wanna come?”

Buck paused, a ‘who me?’ look on his face. It made Eddie grin wider.

“I uh. I wouldn’t want to-“

“Abuela thinks you should come,” Eddie said. “So don’t try that ‘impose’ BS on me.”

Buck huffed a laugh, smile stretching one side of his face as he glanced away and then back. “You sure?” he checked anyway.

Eddie raised a brow and looked down at Chris. “You think we should bring Buck, too?”

“Yes!” Chris cheered, turning to Buck and grabbing his arm with both hands. “You _gotta_ come to Tia’s birthday, Buck, there’s gonna be _cake_.”

“Oh well. Can’t miss a chance at _cake_ , now.”

Eddie and Buck exchanged a grin, before Eddie rose and reminded Chris that he needed to change out of his pajamas still. “And don’t forget you wanted to make Pepa a card.”

Chris went off as fast as he could. Buck stepped up behind Eddie.

Eddie wondered if Buck was actually standing closer than strictly normal, or if he was just – overthinking everything.

“Did you just ask me because Abuela told you to?”

“Nah,” Eddie said after a moment, smiling.

“Okay.” Buck bussed a kiss over his cheek before walking past him into the kitchen.

Eddie closed his eyes. Buck didn’t kiss his cheek that much. Never at work. Never when anyone could see. This was only the third or fourth time in the past several weeks.

It still, as each time before, threw Eddie for a bit of a loop.

He was pretty sure it was a good loop, a good kind of rush in his head.

He just –

Did it really mean what the others would think it did? Or was Eddie just that goddamn fucking starved for affection? Because hell, he knew he missed that aspect of a steady relationship, or marriage. Of the regular, easy exchange of simple affection. Hand on the back, hands held, someone close to his side, simple kisses.

So, what if he was just – conflating the pleasantness of getting that from Buck, with where he was most familiar with getting it, a relationship?

He shook his head. This wasn’t the time to think about it too much. Just another thing to add to the many, many questions he had for himself in the back of his head, always spinning, always being worked at.

Buck helped him get Chris ready and into the truck, tucking the gift bag for Pepa between his feet. They got to Marisol’s in plenty of time, Eddie not having time to introduce Buck before Chris jumped in to do it himself. Clutching tight to Buck’s hand, tugging him forward, he announced, “This is my Buck!” with pride.

It made Eddie grin. It made Buck go a bit pink and bashful. Marisol just laughed, holding out her hand to shake Buck’s.

“I’ve heard so much about you, it’s great to finally meet you!”

Chris pulled Buck along to introduce him to others, such as Marisol’s husband and his cousins, and it looked like one of Eddie’s other cousins was in the living room trying to corral the kids, too.

Eddie was led to the kitchen, where Abuela immediately checked that Buck had been invited – “Yes, Abuela, he’s being shown off by Chris,” Eddie responded dryly, making Marisol laugh – before putting Eddie to work moving food and drinks and dishes to the backyard for her. Eddie was aware of more people arriving, the house filling up, before someone called out that they saw Pepa’s car outside and everyone darted to the backyard. Chris came to Eddie’s side, already giggling into his hand in excitement. Buck settled behind them, pressed close from the bodies crowding around them.

“Surprise!” everyone shouted when Pepa stepped outside with Marisol.

Pepa shook her head, but she was smiling. “I said I did not want a big deal made of it.”

“Ah, when do we listen to you about this kind of thing?” Abuela called out loudly. Laughter broke out, and the kids ran up to give Pepa hugs and birthday wishes before running for the games Marisol’s husband had set up to one side for them. Buck followed behind Eddie to the table. Eddie would wait until the crowd of people died down a bit before giving his own birthday wishes to Pepa.

They got their plates of food ready and set them on a table. Then Eddie nodded towards where Abuela and Pepa were talking with one of Pepa’s friends, and Buck nodded, following after Eddie with his hands in his pockets.

“Feliz cumpleaños,” Eddie said, grabbing her in a hug.

“You brought Buck,” Pepa said pleasantly. “Good, good. He can keep you in line.”

Eddie scoffed, while Buck laughed, leaning in to give Pepa his own hug. She kissed his cheek just like she had Eddie’s, introduced them to her friend, and waved them off to ‘go eat, have fun.’

So they ate, and when Chris ran over and clambered into Eddie’s lap to start picking at Eddie’s plate of food, Buck got up to make Chris one. Eddie listened and nodded along as Chris explained how he had ‘made friends’ with one of his cousins, who liked the same show as he did and they both had the same favorite character.

Eddie’d have to remember, see if maybe a playdate or something could be arranged sometime. A sleepover, perhaps.

An hour or so after everyone seemed to have finished eating, the kids teamed up to convince Pepa that the cake just had to be cut right then. Eddie hugged Chris from behind, rocking him slightly as they sang to Pepa before she blew out the candles. The kids all cheered before crowding forward to receive their plates of cake, then scurried to their area of the yard to sit in the grass together. Eddie watched Chris go, leaning back against the fence. He said a distracted thank you when Buck handed him a plate.

A few minutes later, one of Eddie’s cousins came over and leaned next to him. Eddie was looking between Chris, chatting with the other kids happily, and Buck, who was laughing loudly with Marisol’s husband.

“So. I never knew you’re uh – you know.”

Eddie blinked, dragging his eyes from Buck to his cousin Emmanuel with a frown. He didn’t see him too much, since he traveled a lot for his job, but they’d always gotten along just fine. There was something in his tone though that set Eddie’s heart to thrumming fast.

“What?” He raised a brow.

Emmanuel made a face. He jerked his head towards Buck, like that was an explanation. “So that dude’s your… partner?” His mouth twisted on the word.

Eddie blinked. “Yes?” He shot a quick look towards Buck. “Why?”

“Just… didn’t know you were one of those people, you know.” Emmanuel shrugged. He was still making a face, slightly twisted, mouth pinched even as he seemed to try to smile. “I mean. You had a wife.”

It hit Eddie, in a rush. His heart migrated up to his throat, and he had to tighten his grip on his plate of cake. “Yes, I did,” he said evenly. He could tell Emmanuel that there’d been a misunderstanding. That Buck was his _work_ partner. It wouldn’t be like he was lying.

But he didn’t like the way Emmanuel was glancing at him and then Buck. He imagined punching Emmanuel in his face.

Eddie didn’t know what the fuck was up with himself, what precisely he was or wasn’t feeling, or repressing, or whatever everyone thought. It didn’t matter. Here was Emmanuel, passing judgment on him, on _Buck_ , finding something inherently wrong with them.

“You got a problem?” Eddie asked, staring straight at him. Daring him. He straightened up a bit, so his weight was more on his feet than resting against the fence.

Emmanuel held up his hands. “Dude, no. Just didn’t realize you were like that.”

“Like. What.”

He could see Emmanuel getting annoyed – like he hadn’t already been looking for some kind of fight, coming over and questioning Eddie like he had.

“Didn’t know you were a fucking f-“

“Emmanuel Joaquin Gutierrez!” Abuela snapped, startling both of them. It gained the attention of a lot of people actually. Eddie’s heart was racing, there was a slight rushing in his ears, and he suddenly felt seconds away from freaking the fuck out with all the attention on them.

Abuela was off, though, Spanish flying fast and vicious from her lips, Emmanuel looking caught between fear and anger, face red with it – or maybe with embarrassment.

A hand curled around Eddie’s elbow, startling him. Buck was there, tugging lightly, until Eddie stumbled after him. They slipped around the edge of the crowd, only one or two people shooting them looks. Eddie suddenly thought of Chris, and the other kids, and almost pulled away, but Buck tightened his hand and pulled them inside, into the kitchen.

“Breathe, okay,” he said, edging Eddie back into a chair. He ran his hands up Eddie’s arms, to his shoulders and squeezed. “Water?”

Eddie nodded. Buck stood, stepping over to cupboards, searching until he found a glass and filled it from the water pitcher sitting in the fridge. Eddie took it, hands shaking, and sipped a few times, when all he wanted was to gulp it down.

“C’mon Eddie, just some deep breaths.” Buck grabbed his hands when he set the glass down, squeezing his fingers. “You’re okay, man, no one’s looking, just take your time.”

Eddie slumped forward, resting his forehead on Buck’s shoulder. Buck didn’t move a bit, just kept hold of Eddie’s hands and murmured every once in a while reminders for Eddie to take deep breaths, that no one was looking at them, that he was okay and Buck was there.

Eddie muttered a few curses under his breath when the panic finally died down.

It was stupid. He’d been fine. He hadn’t been the one – and he hadn’t been under attack. He’d pushed Emmanuel knowing he was going to some something shitty.

“Hey, I know what estupido means, Eddie,” Buck interrupted. “You better not be calling yourself stupid for this.”

“I knew he was going to say something fucking awful.”

Buck snorted. “And what, that makes it your fault?”

“I don’t know why I’m – I don’t….”

Buck was silent. He turned his head a bit, and Eddie felt his breath against the edge of his jaw, his neck. “Because, even when we know someone’s gonna be shitty, it still hurts to actually be forced to confront it.”

Eddie stayed quiet. Buck sounded far too knowing, and Eddie didn’t want to know if it was about what Emmanuel had been saying, or from Buck’s own experiences, or if he just… knew.

“Can we just go home?”

“Yeah, Eddie,” Buck said quietly, hand coming up to stroke his back. “We can go home. I’ll get Chris, say goodbye to Pepa and Abuela. You just go get in the car, okay?”

Eddie closed his eyes. He should say his goodbyes to everyone. Thank Marisol for hosting.

He really, _really_ didn’t feel like going outside. Seeing anyone.

“Okay.”

Buck steadied him as Eddie stood up. He downed the rest of his water and put the glass in the sink. Buck escorted him to the door, nudging him through with a “We’ll be there in five minutes, tops.”

Eddie got into his truck, hesitated, then jumped out and went to the passenger side. Buck could drive; Eddie just wanted to check out for a bit.

He watched, feeling disconnected and a bit despondent, not an unfamiliar feeling even if it had been a while. Buck had Chris on a hip, and Chris was holding a plate that had cake slices on it when he stepped out the door. Marisol leaned out to wave, before disappearing back into the house.

They came over to the truck, Buck helping Chris in and coming over to the driver’s side. He hadn’t hesitated, hadn’t blinked. He glanced at Eddie, then at Chris in the mirror. “Ready?”

“Ready Freddie,” Chris said, sounding hilariously solemn. It made a smile twitch on Eddie’s face, there and gone again.

The drive was quiet. Chris hummed to himself, holding the plate of cake carefully. Eddie watched out the window for a while, then twisted his head so he could watch Buck from the corner of his eyes.

He let the thoughts always spinning around in the back of his mind drift up, just a bit. Added to them his cousin’s remarks and Eddie’s own reactions.

He could have deescalated that situation. He could have let Emmanuel know that they weren’t romantically involved.

It would have felt like hiding, Eddie thought to himself. It would have felt a lot like lying to protect himself from judgement.

It would have felt wrong.

Eddie let that circle and circle in his mind. He had always been afraid in some way, long as he could remember. Afraid of not fitting in. Afraid of disappointing people. Afraid of being someone unwanted.

He’d hidden the parts of himself he thought people wouldn’t want from him, wouldn’t want to see. He’d hidden his anger and grief from his friends after Shannon’s death. He’d hidden his fear and pain after his second tour from everyone, until it drove Shannon farther away from him. He’d hidden the fear and worry he felt about providing for Chris, about Chris’ diagnosis of CP, hidden his panic over the concept of the future changing so quickly, from finding some job in El Paso that would make enough for a house and their cars and a kid (he’d researched into how much treatments and surgeries could cost and it had terrified him just to try to think of all that money, money they just wouldn’t have).

He’d hidden the part of himself that regretted some of the things he’d done while enlisted.

He’d hidden his anxiety over not making good enough grades to get into any good college, let alone a scholarship to afford college.

He’d hidden… so much, tucked it away where others couldn’t see, where it couldn’t hurt him.

Eddie had always been afraid.

The truck pulled in at his house, and Eddie watched Buck get out first. By the time Eddie mustered himself enough to open his own door, Buck had gotten Chris out and swapped him the cake for his crutches. Buck threw his free arm over Eddie’s shoulder while Chris went ahead, tugging him close.

The kiss he pressed to Eddie’s temple lingered.

It made Eddie want to just – sink into Buck.

“C’mon,” Buck murmured after a moment. “You’ve had a rough two days, man. Let me take care of you, just a little longer.”

Closing his eyes, Eddie took a deep breath and sighed softly. “Yeah. Alright.”

He felt Buck smile against his skin, press another kiss to his temple, and step away. Eddie followed behind him up the porch steps, where Chris was already waiting. Eddie opened the door, holding it as Chris and Buck passed him, and locking it behind himself.

He settled on the couch, Chris coming over to cuddle against him. His weight was familiar, reassuring. Eddie hugged him closer. Buck returned from the kitchen, free of cake, and sat on Eddie’s other side, arm going around the back of the couch. If Eddie leaned back, just a bit, Buck would basically be holding him.

Buck flipped through the steaming service until he landed on a family movie Eddie only vaguely remembered the plot of, though he knew he’d watched it sometimes as a kid.

At some point not too far in, Eddie dozed off. He woke up when Buck moved, standing and then bending to pick up Chris, who had also fallen asleep. Eddie watched tiredly as Buck slipped into the hallway. He yawned as he pulled himself straight, then off the couch. He went around turning off lights, until Buck met him in the kitchen.

“You staying?” Eddie asked, swallowing another yawn.

Buck tilted his head a bit, gaze assessing. “Do you want me to?”

Eddie shrugged. He was too tired to think.

“If I go home, are you going to think it’s because of what happened at the party?”

Eddie’s nose scrunched in a grimace. “Not the worst freak out you’ve seen me have.”

“No,” Buck agreed. “But I was talking about your cousin almost calling you a pretty nasty word.”

Eddie didn’t freeze, exactly, but it felt like the world around him did. He glanced sideways at Buck, who was standing in the kitchen watching Eddie with that slight tilt of his head, eyes serious and focused.

“Didn’t know you heard our conversation,” Eddie settled on saying.

“I always pay attention to you and Chris,” Buck offered. “Especially when you shift from relaxed to alert like you did.”

Eddie nodded slowly. He wasn’t sure what to say. He didn’t know precisely how much Buck had actually heard, though clearly enough. He didn’t know what Buck thought or how he felt about what had happened.

Eddie was always afraid, especially of not being what someone who mattered to him wanted or needed him to be.

He was learning though, that maybe he didn’t need to worry about that so much with Buck.

“I’m really fucking tired,” Eddie admitted. “And all I want right now honestly? Is to get into my bed and not feel like the weight of the whole goddamn world is pressing in on me for one night.”

Buck’s eyes darted over his face as he nodded slowly. “I got nowhere else to be tonight.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

Buck huffed a soft sound, amused and affectionate. “Eddie, one day you’re going to actually believe it when I tell you I’ve got your back, whatever you need me to do.”

Eddie looked at him, smiling slightly and huffing out a breath of a laugh. “One day,” he agreed. “Might take some time though.”

Buck just shrugged, still with that affectionate smile. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Yeah. Eddie was starting to maybe believe that one, too.


End file.
